Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Just do as I say, not as I do (or did)

I wanted to write something witty or useful, but lately I've been in this "funk". I guess it may have something to do with not enough "me" time.

The past week has handed me a sick baby and lots of rain. Cleaning up barf and not being out in the sun is making mom very edgy. I do not enjoy feeling boxed in or forced to follow a boring regimen. Makes me think about stuff too much! Besides, the smell of Lysol is enough to make anyone feel ill.

So, why am I a stay at home mom, then? Because I refuse to let some, impersonal, over crowded day care raise my baby. At least for now. The first year is the most important, you know. Well, kind of, all years are important if you ask me, but seeing how there is so much growth and change in that first year, I want to be the one shoveling as much information down my baby's throat.

You know what? The fruits of my labor are starting to manifest. Yes, I am bragging! My little boy is just blossoming and soaking everything up like a sponge.

But, every now and then, mom (and dad, too) needs to let off some steam. It sucks, though, because money is really tight right now. I would love to take a vacation, rent a room, run away for a few days. I know that day is coming real soon, though.

In the meantime, I made my choices, therefore I must follow through. It's not like I can dump my children off in a trash can just so I can goof off and have fun the rest of my life. Too bad I didn't know what I know now back then. Make sense? In other words, why didn't I finish college and travel instead of goofing off? Well, no sense in beating myself up over it, what's done is done and now I am doing things the hard way. I guess it should be good enough that I am doing it now rather than never, right?

Enter the fact that I will be a grandmother this winter. I can't even say that without letting out a huge sigh.

My (soon to be) 19 year old, married daughter is living my life all over again. I thought she was really going to make something of herself. She was going to college and it appeared she had her head on straight. She always came to me for advice and we are friends as well as mother/daughter.

So, why didn't she listen this time? Why does history repeat itself?? I truly believed the cycle had been broken this time. It's not that I am disappointed, really, but I know how difficult it can be to be married at a young age, go to college and raise a family. I would never change anything for the world, but it would have been "better" to wait.

I was impatient. It looks like she is too, afterall she is so much like me that it's not even funny.

I do wish her all the best, and I would give her anything if I could (of course some things you have to work for). One day she will look back and see for herself but it won't matter by that time.

Children just have no idea what us parents go through for their sake. Sometimes not until they become parents themselves. So as I selflessly try to give my young son the best start in life, I know the future already. Children make mistakes and are all bound to break their parent's hearts somehow, someway, someday. And sometimes the parents break their children's hearts and make mistakes.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, things just happen. As hard as I try, I can only do what I can do. I am not perfect and neither are my children. For now, I am doing my best to balance everything while still making sure mom and dads needs are still being met. That is a whole different post right there.

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